Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Irrational Fears and Such

Like any sheltered American, I have a few irrational fears. I’ve already shared one of them with you guys in my last post…..you know, the one with my crazy dream? I am deathly afraid of being on a plane and it doing a flip mid-flight. That’s a pretty stupid fear because A) I’m too afraid of planes to even go on one and B) no pilot in his right mind would flip a plane with hundreds of people on board. And if he did flip the plane it would probably be because it was crashing and then I would get to see Jesus. Ahem.
I have other irrational fears too. Another one is that someone is going to be hiding in my garage when I go to leave for work. See, it used to be that we would leave the door down whenever our cars were parked inside, and when we did that I always afraid that someone would be waiting outside the garage door to get me when I opened it up. For that reason, I would ALWAYS get in the car, lock the door, start the engine, and be ready to back up BEFORE I would hit the button to raise the door up. That way, if someone was standing there I could slam my foot down on the gas and run over them. HA! TAKE THAT, YOU STALKER!! But alas, our beloved garage door has not been very obedient lately, so we’ve started leaving it up to avoid having both our vehicles trapped inside by accident. So now I’m afraid that someone could be hiding in the garage….just waiting for me to leave the comforts of my house. Irrational? Yes. Does that made a difference? Nope. (PS: To those cruel people who know where I live and are now considering a future prank in my garage….don’t do it. I’ll hate you forever.)
And for those who are wondering: no, I do not ever ever EVER watch scary movies. Because I hate suspense. And I hate it when people pop out of nowhere. And I hate that suspenseful music they play. So I have no idea where the garage fear comes from.
One fear that I have is totally rational though, and I think I share it with every other woman in America. And that would be the fear of spiders. I really hate spiders. I want them to all simultaneously die of a heart attack (do spiders even have hearts??). And I don’t care what PETA says about that wish of mine. I’m pretty sure the women of PETA are afraid of spiders too, because all women are. (NOTE: I am not a part of PETA and am not authorized to speak on their behalf….so disregard anything I say about them.) ANYWAYS.  Yesterday I was closing the curtain and there was a spider on it. This means that I did what all women do when they are surprised by a spider: they scream and jump back. Then they demand that someone kill it because I AM NOT GOING NEAR THAT THING.
Un-luckily for me, my husband doesn’t like to kill spiders. He claims that it is because they aren’t doing anything to hurt anyone so there is no point in killing them. I believe that he truly just enjoys my reaction when I find spiders in our house, so he wants them to continue living and breeding and infesting my living space. Luckily for me though, Duke was standing there. Why would that make me lucky? Because my dog has an obsession with eating bugs. If it moves, he wants to eat it. Flies. Roaches. Spiders. Gnats. Grasshoppers. Himz wantz to eatz themz allz. So I did what any spider-fearing woman would do, I shook the curtains so that the spider fell to the ground, and then I told my dog to eat it.
Me: DUKE! Get the spider!!!!! LOOK!!!
Duke: *quickly spies spider and pounces*
Roman: What are you doing???
Me: I’m letting Duke eat this spider
Duke: *licks spider up off floor*
Roman: What if that were poisonous
Me: It wasn’t.
Roman: But what if it was? And how do you know?
Me: Because it was tiny.
Roman: That doesn’t mean anything! You could have just fed a poisonous spider to our dog!!
Me: Oops.

I’m a terrible mother, I know. But you will all be happy to know that Duke survived the spider eating incident. And I also survived the spider incident. And there wasn’t anyone hiding in the garage this morning when I left for work, so today is shaping up to be a pretty great day. NOTE: I will NOT let my flesh-and-blood children eat spiders…even if they do enjoy it. NOTE NOTE: No animals were harmed in the writing of this post…except the spider. But PETA doesn’t care about those.

Now, does anyone have any tips on how to tell when a spider is poisonous??    ;)

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?”  ~Matthew 6:25

1 comment:

  1. I put a spider in the bed this afternoon. You should find it tonight.