Wednesday, June 27, 2012

50 Shades of Danger

We've all heard the song "Oh be careful little eyes what  you see". We used to sing it in Sunday School and VBS and all of those other great children's programs. I even remember singing it during class in first grade.

(Note: if I have any really young readers out there, you may want to sit this one out. Also, this post is mainly for the ladies, but my male readers out there might still get something out of it.)

I have debated for a few days whether or not I really wanted to write this post. You see, there is a high chance that I will make some of you very angry at me. I hate it when people are angry at me. But I hate it more when I see people's lives fall apart, so you may just have to be angry and I'll put my big girl pants on.

If you can't already guess what I'm going to talk about by the title of this post, then  that is great. But most of you probably do know what the title of the post is referring to, and some of you are probably already rolling your eyes at me, which is okay. 

So here we go. Breath in. Breath out. Let's get started.

Let me just come right out and say it: I hate the double-standard I'm seeing exhibited by so many women today. Ladies, do we want our husbands to watch porn? Do we want him to daydream about other women while we are having sex with him? No?? So why are we being so hypocritical?

"Well I don't watch porn, Sarah, so I don't know what you're talking about." But isn't reading porn the exact same thing? "But, reading erotica novels is just my guilty pleasure. There are no pictures, so it's okay. Besides, my marriage and our sex life is better because of the books I read."

And that is where you are dead wrong. For a woman, reading erotica is the exact same thing as a man sitting down at the computer and watching porn. And here is why: most men are very visual. There brains are hardwired to respond to what their eyes see. Most women are not visual. We respond mainly with our emotions. When we read erotica, we get emotionally attached. We think thoughts like, "I wish my husband was that romantic." "I wish my husband did things like that to me." And then we start holding our husbands up to a standard that he can never achieve. And then we emotionally connect with a character in a book that does not exist because this character is just so perfect and wonderful and why can't our men be just like him?!?

Am I making my point yet? Many women use this excuse: my sex life is boring. Reading erotica helps spice things up. I've even read jokes on Facebook that there is about to be a "50 Shades of Gray baby boom" over the next few months. Ladies, this is NOT okay!! We are supposed to be attracted to and aroused by our husbands, not some book. And you can't tell me that when you get turned on by a book and decide to have sex with your husband, that the sex scenes you just read aren't running through your mind. I can promise you, your husband doesn't want you to have sex with him because of something you read in a book, your husband wants you to have sex with him because you are attracted to him. 

Which takes me back to a statement I made earlier: Do we want him to daydream about other women while we are having sex with him? NO! So can we please kindly repay the favor?

While I am on my soapbox, let me just cover one other thing. I said earlier that most women respond mainly with our emotions, but I am seeing a very alarming trend. I am not sure of the statistics, but visual porn for women is on the rise as well. There is a movie coming out this weekend. If you haven't heard about it, I'm not going to call it by name because I do not want to inadvertently give the movie more sales. But ladies, we need to be staying far away from this movie. First of all, it's rated "R", and second of all, it should be categorized as soft porn. I beg you ladies, don't let junk like that enter your mind and wreck your marriage. I can tell you, I don't even watch the previews for that movie while Roman and I are watching TV. Why? Because the only images I want in my mind is that of my husband. I don't want images of something I've seen on TV pop up during intimate moments with Roman, so I'm not going to let that stuff enter into my mind. And, not to put myself on a platform, but that should be the stand that all of us take.

You see, here is the problem with porn (whether you are reading it or watching it). Porn will present all of these scenarios that are unrealistic. But like a drug, you eventually have to get more and more of it to get the same effect. You may start out reading an erotica novel every now and then. Then you start reading them more and more, and the story lines get more and more intense. Then just reading it isn't enough. Then you start chasing after movies like the one coming out this weekend. Then soft porn isn't enough and you find yourself chasing after more and more and more and more and more....  Suddenly you wake up one day and realize that you are stuck in the middle of a mess. Your marriage is wrecked. Your sex life is damaged. And now you have to either go through the long process of picking up the pieces, or you get a divorce, or you just keep living life in the mess that you've made.

Let me be clear: porn and erotica is one of the best tools Satan has in his tool belt to RUIN your marriage.

So ladies, I BEG you, please don't travel down that road. If you've already started down it, repent to the Lord and talk with your husband. Ask God to cleanse your mind and ask your husband to forgive you and keep you accountable. Please understand that no matter how far you've gone with porn, God can still save you from it. It is going to be a long, hard road to travel, but He will bring you healing and restoration.

And if there are any men reading this: if your wife is reading erotica novels, then you need to be the man of your household and (gently) talk with her about stopping. As her husband, you are the leader and it is part of your job to do everything you can to keep the enemy out of your house and out of your marriage. Sit down with a pastor or mentor or counsellor if you need to, just be active. Pray that God changes her mind. Talk with her! She may feel emotionally distant from you and has seeked out erotica to fill the void. Yes, it will be a difficult conversation to have, but would you rather watch your marriage crumble?

Ladies, again, please stay away from this stuff. It is dangerous. I am not saying that if you read one book your marriage will automatically perish. But Satan will begin taking bits and pieces out of  your marriage over time and eventually several years down the road it will fall apart. So let's all be warriors and fight against this temptation that Satan has put before us. Let's fight for our marriages.

If you want to read more about this issue, I have put several links down at the bottom of this post. All of these had great information and insight into this issue. (Some of these articles are where I got some of my information from.) The authors are great Christian women and I read their blogs daily.

Update: I meant to say this earlier, but please know that I am not judging anyone! I felt moved to write a post on this. If you have/are reading erotica novels, God still loves you and I still love you as well. But He wants you to live a life of purity and holiness. If you repent and ask for His forgiveness, He will help you to do just that.

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."                                                 ~Hebrews 13:4

"If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." ~Matthew 5:29

"Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."                                                    ~Colossians 3:18-19

The Warrior Wives; To Love, Honor, and Vacuum-How To; To Love, Honor, and Vacuum-Kindles; To Love, Honor, and Vacuum-50 Shades; Unveiled Wife


  1. Thank you for this post. It has helped me lots.

    1. Thank you Holly, I am so glad that I could help! :)