Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Weird Wednesday: Technologically Challenged

I talk to inanimate objects. I’m told I get this from my grandmother, who used to talk to cars as she was driving down the road. But out of all of the inanimate objects, I talk to technology the most. I understand it is strange. And my co-workers look at me funny all the time, but they’ll just have to get over it.
Let’s just go ahead and get this out of the way: I am totally convinced that technology hates me.
Example: my phone freezes up. My current phone does not have a removable battery, so when it freezes I can’t just take out the battery to fix everything. I tried holding down the power button….no luck. I tried holding down the power button and the volume down button at the same time. My frozen phone screen just stared at me….I could almost hear it snickering. So I do what any other woman with bad technology luck does: I hand the phone to my husband and demand that he fix it. Ten seconds later and he hands the phone back to me as it is starting back up. This is how my life goes with technology.
It didn’t used to be this way. I used to be able to sweet talk any printer/fax machine/scanner/computer/phone into being cooperative. I used to be the one my co-workers called in order to alleviate their technology woes. A copier would break down and I would be able to come over there and talk real nice to it and open a couple of doors and it would get right back to bizness. But not anymore.
Currently, all of the technology at my desk is at war with me. My printer jams up for no reason. My scanner will randomly decide to grab three pieces of paper at the same time, and then refuse to give it back. And don’t get me started on my computer. It holds the biggest grudge against me out of all of them. If Internet Explorer tells me one more time that it cannot display the web page because the server is too busy, then I am going to draw all over it with a sharpie. Wait, that won’t fix anything.
Unfortunately, my technology issues have now carried over at home as well. My phone randomly restarts itself with no warning, and my laptop is stuck on the blue screen of death. I may get a good ten minutes out of it before it crashes again…and there is no amount of sweet talking to make it cooperate. Even the speakers in my car are going out.
I have tried making peace offerings with my technological enemies, but they aren’t accepting my attempts at this time. I think they are all just laughing at me. I’m not sure if this is a sign that I should move to the Amish community or what.
So don’t mind me…..I’m just going to be sitting over here talking to my printer. Maybe if I ask it nice enough it will decide to play nice. Perhaps if I shove some chocolate in my scanner it will stop eating my documents. And maybe if I dump a Diet Coke on my computer it will have enough energy to display that web page. MAYBE.
Seriously guys, it is getting so bad that I am capable of walking into someone else’s cubicle at work and break their stuff without even touching anything.
Coworker: Well, this website was working just a minute ago, but my Internet seems to have lost the connection.
Me: Hang on, let me step out into the hallway. I think I have a contagious technology virus and I’m probably breaking your computer just by standing next to it.
Coworker: *weird look*
Me: *stands in hallway and pretends to wave to someone who isn’t there*
Coworker: Hey! It’s working now! You must not be joking…hahahaha *awkward look*
Me: Yea….. I really wasn’t kidding. Ha. ….ha. *awkward look*

Hide yo’ cell phones, hide yo’ laptops and hide yo’ fax machines too cuz I be killing all yo’ technology…..
“But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.”  ~1 Corinthians 15:20

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