Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Weird Wednesday: They Know

Back In January, I posted about some of my irrational fears (to read, click here).
If you missed it, then I recommend you click on the link and read it…otherwise this post will not make a whole lot of sense to you. But if you’re feeling like being a rebel today and don’t want to read the post (or if you did read it and totally forgot what it said), here’s a quick play-by-play: I hate spiders. Roman won’t kill them for me because he says “they didn’t do anything wrong”. My dog loves eating bugs. I found a spider on the curtain in the living room. Roman would not kill the spider for me. So I shook the curtain to make the spider fall on the ground and then told Duke to eat it.
I think the spiders know…..and they’re out to get me.
Yesterday I come home from the doctor’s office and I stopped to check my mail. I opened the mailbox to find a big…fat…hairy…SPIDER sitting on top of the envelopes inside. Y’all. He was just sitting there like he was waiting for me all day to open that mailbox. He was at the very front edge of the envelope. Facing me. And when I opened the mailbox he just sat there glaring at me. I am almost positive that he also said “Boo.” Maybe not……but still. I’m sure he at least thought it.
He was about the size of a dime. But he was thick….like really fat. And he had orange on his butt. And his little biter thingies were green. None of that really matters though…..only the fact that the spiders are STALKING me!
Needless to say, I did NOT get the mail out of the mailbox….and I will probably never ever get the mail out of the mailbox for the rest of my life ever.
But the story gets worse.
When I got out of the car later that evening after I picked Roman up from work….there was another spider hanging from the garage door. He was about eye-level with me. And he was just, you know, hanging out. WAITING FOR ME.
My life has suddenly become a spider horror movie.

Dear Spiders of America,
I’m sorry I fed your brother/uncle/cousin/father/grandfather/whoever to my dog in January. Please accept my sincerest apologies as I am very sorry for your loss.
That is all.

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” ~Matthew 10:28

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